4.20

I really wanted to go. want to go. was going to go. I ran today as if I had been running for weeks. I ran so fast and clean; it was artful. I ran determined, upright, quick. I ran in the street, in a tank top made from the blue, cloudless skies of summer. I ran under the edges of awnings, hoping to catch whatever drops were left over from the outpour minutes earlier.

Remember what I told you about the rain? I didnt even realize it until just now, that I ran today because I feel like I cant stand, cant hold myself up. so, i ran hoping i could make myself weak, hoping Id have a reason to feel so frail.

(that is a lie)

i ran because i feel strong.

(thats not entirely true)

I ran because I could. I ran because on the way home the air felt sticky and warm. I really ran because I found a song about breaking apart and I wanted to run so I could think. I wanted to run so I could think, and feel strong while listening to pieces of my soul whining. I wanted to pass people on the street, dodge them, and maneuver around the cars. I wanted a distraction while claiming firm focus on this song about frailty.

i dont know why the fuck I ran today. Maybe its because I told myself i would begin running everyday. I dont, however, know why i ran so hard and so fast, and so easily, and so fucking far. maybe its because I told myself I would and I am sick of not doing the things I tell myself I will.

(my ankles crack too. they are cracking now)

My guess is that you are tired of this too.